I dreamed that Tom Cruse was in my arms!
I could feel the grand man's body, his chest, arms, muscles and the smell.
"Thank you for the pure hug. " I said, with my eyes closed, my head resting on his shoulder.
When I woke up, I started to clean the mass after one week hard working.
Washing kitty was great.
She didn't struggle at all, just sat in the bucket enjoying the hot bath and gentle massage from me.
After hanging all the jeans and shirts the rice was ready in the cooker.
I stirred the rice with meat and veggie then watched DVD of American Ballet Theater in front the desk.
Turning it off in the middle of the film I started feeling anxious.
There's something in me that needs to let out.
I decided to do Yoga then hot spring in the evening.
Hope that makes me forget about Tom Cruse's body.
2008年2月19日 星期二
20080212
I made a choice.
Looking into her eyes, I saw fear and disappointment.
One year before I adored her so deeply and true.
Yes, I have to admit that I can not accept what she called me, my wife.
No, I did not want to be anyone's wife, not now.
Though she kept trying to hold this relationship, me , the selfish one insisted her position firmly.
One night, I looked at her face while she's enjoying having sex with me, strangely I couldn't have the same feeling.
Over and over again, when she touched me, even only my hands or legs, I couldn't help giggling and pushed her away.
Then I realized that I don't love her like she does to me.
It's not easy to turn down such kind of love which is from the most faithful and trustful person.
I know my choice would hurt her.
I didn't know what hurts her the most was my childish attitude of dealing the event.
When she walked out my place like a storm I couldn't calm her down.
No matter what she swore at me afterwards, I can only apologize and asked her how can I make her up again.
It seems impossible at present though.
I told her the past year could be the most beautiful time of my life and I probably won't find a person like her that cherishes and loves me so much.
That was true. I didn't love her like she did.
Next time I have to make sure my possible lover's heart.
Is he/she a honest one?
How would he/she communicate with me while we have a problem?
Does he/she want to settle down or just have a short term relationship?
What kind of love is perfect for him/her?
is there any common idea about ideal relationship between us?
Can we share the idea of life together?...etc.
I've learned something from this relationship and so does she.
I really hope that she can find her Ms. right.
Love is beautiful though it could turn into evil in a second.
I realized that before and now I understand.
God bless.
Looking into her eyes, I saw fear and disappointment.
One year before I adored her so deeply and true.
Yes, I have to admit that I can not accept what she called me, my wife.
No, I did not want to be anyone's wife, not now.
Though she kept trying to hold this relationship, me , the selfish one insisted her position firmly.
One night, I looked at her face while she's enjoying having sex with me, strangely I couldn't have the same feeling.
Over and over again, when she touched me, even only my hands or legs, I couldn't help giggling and pushed her away.
Then I realized that I don't love her like she does to me.
It's not easy to turn down such kind of love which is from the most faithful and trustful person.
I know my choice would hurt her.
I didn't know what hurts her the most was my childish attitude of dealing the event.
When she walked out my place like a storm I couldn't calm her down.
No matter what she swore at me afterwards, I can only apologize and asked her how can I make her up again.
It seems impossible at present though.
I told her the past year could be the most beautiful time of my life and I probably won't find a person like her that cherishes and loves me so much.
That was true. I didn't love her like she did.
Next time I have to make sure my possible lover's heart.
Is he/she a honest one?
How would he/she communicate with me while we have a problem?
Does he/she want to settle down or just have a short term relationship?
What kind of love is perfect for him/her?
is there any common idea about ideal relationship between us?
Can we share the idea of life together?...etc.
I've learned something from this relationship and so does she.
I really hope that she can find her Ms. right.
Love is beautiful though it could turn into evil in a second.
I realized that before and now I understand.
God bless.
2008年1月28日 星期一
20080128
Since 10 years ago I logged on internet and started to edit personal board, I had 2 boards on BBS which I don't use anymore, 4 blogs including this one and one that I haven't opened it yet, and I don't remember how many meet-friend-online websites I put on my profile.
Bizarre! It seems I broadcast my life through global communicating system , but I still make friends in the REAL WORLD. Almost every night I write my diary with ink and paper.
Living in this hi-tech generation makes me wanting to keep old fashion.
Bizarre! It seems I broadcast my life through global communicating system , but I still make friends in the REAL WORLD. Almost every night I write my diary with ink and paper.
Living in this hi-tech generation makes me wanting to keep old fashion.
2008年1月27日 星期日
【四月三週又兩天】
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墮胎啊，這個切入點，讓人坐立難安。
1986年共產主義統治下的羅馬尼亞，不能避孕，也不能墮胎，女人要是懷孕了，要不就是叫孩子的爸負責，要不就是拿出昂貴的代價找密醫夾娃娃。
電影敘述在一天之中〈女主角的男友的母親的生日暨學校考試當天〉，女主角幫室友處理墮胎的過程，戲劇節奏緊湊，壓迫力驚人。
沒有電影配樂，沒有帥哥美女，沒有美美的燈光、場景、化妝，大量運用中長鏡頭〈而且是手持式攝影機〉，平實的說一個日常生活中的故事。
平實的說一個日常生活中的故事，而且要說的好，就像要煮出一碗黯然消魂陽春麵一樣難。劇本做到了，導演做到了，表演也做到了，這三個基本元素都忠實呈現該有的本分之後，觀眾就有好戲看了。【四月三週又兩天】正是這樣的一部好戲。不少人以為戲名是那女孩懷孕的時間長度，我卻以為這是倒數計時，拍片不是都要喊「四、三、二...〈手指比一，手一揮下，膠捲正式啟動〉」。這部片子的確精采地傳達出時間的緊迫。
兩個純真的女學生，一個做事明快果斷有義氣〈太有義氣了！〉，一個糊塗無知又軟弱〈有夠軟弱！〉，面對欺壓人的混帳醫生只能被欺壓，面對狗眼看人低的階級制度只能接受那些狗眼，面對無法保護女人的男人只能自力自強，面對冰冷嚴苛的社會制度只能因循求生，面對不能出生的小生命只好心狠手辣並且遺忘。
溫暖的陽光，在1986年的羅馬尼亞，是不存在的奢望。
我覺得唯一的小缺憾，最後的鏡頭可以再停久一點再讓演員做結束動作。
【四月三週又兩天】在台北光點電影院上映至一月卅一日，我猜想應該不會有DVD，大力推薦買票觀賞這部小成本大格局的好電影！
2007年10月6日 星期六
a nihgt for typhoon Krosa
Krosa is a mean, evil girl.
She wants everyone to spend a weekend with her alone.
People can’t go anywhere.
Some lost power.
She wants every topic is all about her.
Krosa the star.
The best thing for to do in dark nights alone, strangely, smoking a joint, drinking tea , listening to
music and writing my diary has been my favorite for almost a ten.
Don’t they say getting pissed is for a crowd?
Is aloneness a sin?
Typhoon Krosa seems quieter. She gave me one weekend break before the real play.
There has been some delay in the schedule.
“The damn thing is late!!” a mate said.
To be honest, I don’t really care.
I know how life will be after that.
Same old, same old.
Glad to have a spplif over night.
It’s unusual, ini’t?
My gf and I had some unhappy conversation.
She wants more of my attention.
It reminds me of the last relationship.
She reminds of me how I was before, how he was before.
We even said the same script.
“ to leave a relationship is easy, just a gleams or a word, to maintain it is hard.”
Classic.
Suddenly I forget him and myself.
None of us is wrong about love.
“you are too cold.”, they said.
One person gives you an opinion maybe means nothing.
But over two people have the same comment.
There must been something wrong about me.
So I ask myself, am I cold?
Am I wrong that I love being in my spiritual world?
Alone?
I never expect anyone to understand the map to my inner world.
Not the down one.
Even I’ve tried both male and female lover.
Can’t we simply praise the beauty of isolation?
For a while.
I love smoking a roach & having a cocktail alone
And I love smoking a joint & having cocktail with my lover or a friend.
Just….
No talk, no touch.
2007年9月13日 星期四
Sep, 14th
向北緩行的電車裡，旅客不疏不密的面對面坐著，分據兩行共四節車廂。
在大眾交通工具裡面對面坐著，不是低頭打盹、閱讀，就是閉目養神，偶而偷偷打量坐在對面的陌生人，偶有眼神交會，通常避之唯恐不急。
我通常毫不避諱，大方欣賞形形色色的人物，甚至就速寫起來。
有一次，一對情侶在我正對面聊天，女的長相普通，戴著金邊眼鏡的臉有些圓胖油亮，雙手不停在空中筆劃，滔滔不絕的說話。身旁的男人倒是相當英俊，他一手圍在女人的肩上，一手捧著一袋鹽酥雞，指頭上還勾著兩杯飲料，微笑著專心聽女人說故事。我把這幅圖畫在大學同學送的筆記本上，在畫的同時，引起身旁年輕男子探頭探腦的好奇心，我跟他有一搭沒一搭的聊天，直到下車為止。
大多數人發現自己被觀看時會有些不自在，在做這樣的人物速寫時，我總要非常小心隱藏自己的眼神。
這天下午，在這條熟悉的火車路線，我的對面坐了一對父子，父親應該不到卅五，身旁的小男孩了不起二歲，小小圓圓的臉上兩顆黑不溜丟的明亮眼睛迎上我的目光，他微微的笑了，帶點兒羞赧，卻也豪不畏懼，就這麼和我四目對望，小小的身體挨著父親磨來蹭去。他的父親將他抱在胸前，讓他岔開雙腿坐在膝上，溫柔而緩慢的替他脫鞋，一隻，一雙，放在自己的雙腳下，和喝完的牛奶盒並排。小男孩滑下來，回到原來的坐姿，一樣帶著微笑，靠著父親，望著我。
一個不該在此時出現的念頭閃過，我知道自己又記起那該放手的回憶，隨著回憶的泉源，淚水也無聲的從眼眶裡湧出，我撇開頭，任淚水滑落，在面對面而坐的車箱裡，我還沒有任人欣賞哭泣的勇氣。當我快速整理好自己，回過頭去，那個小男孩靠著父親，口中喃喃著練習「爸爸，爸爸」，男人將頭向後靠著，閉著眼睛，陽光從他倆後方而來，將他們一起染上溫暖的色塊。
如果，當時我們沒有分手，如今......
我在心裡悄悄低語，不願說出口而讓魔鬼偷去。
在大眾交通工具裡面對面坐著，不是低頭打盹、閱讀，就是閉目養神，偶而偷偷打量坐在對面的陌生人，偶有眼神交會，通常避之唯恐不急。
我通常毫不避諱，大方欣賞形形色色的人物，甚至就速寫起來。
有一次，一對情侶在我正對面聊天，女的長相普通，戴著金邊眼鏡的臉有些圓胖油亮，雙手不停在空中筆劃，滔滔不絕的說話。身旁的男人倒是相當英俊，他一手圍在女人的肩上，一手捧著一袋鹽酥雞，指頭上還勾著兩杯飲料，微笑著專心聽女人說故事。我把這幅圖畫在大學同學送的筆記本上，在畫的同時，引起身旁年輕男子探頭探腦的好奇心，我跟他有一搭沒一搭的聊天，直到下車為止。
大多數人發現自己被觀看時會有些不自在，在做這樣的人物速寫時，我總要非常小心隱藏自己的眼神。
這天下午，在這條熟悉的火車路線，我的對面坐了一對父子，父親應該不到卅五，身旁的小男孩了不起二歲，小小圓圓的臉上兩顆黑不溜丟的明亮眼睛迎上我的目光，他微微的笑了，帶點兒羞赧，卻也豪不畏懼，就這麼和我四目對望，小小的身體挨著父親磨來蹭去。他的父親將他抱在胸前，讓他岔開雙腿坐在膝上，溫柔而緩慢的替他脫鞋，一隻，一雙，放在自己的雙腳下，和喝完的牛奶盒並排。小男孩滑下來，回到原來的坐姿，一樣帶著微笑，靠著父親，望著我。
一個不該在此時出現的念頭閃過，我知道自己又記起那該放手的回憶，隨著回憶的泉源，淚水也無聲的從眼眶裡湧出，我撇開頭，任淚水滑落，在面對面而坐的車箱裡，我還沒有任人欣賞哭泣的勇氣。當我快速整理好自己，回過頭去，那個小男孩靠著父親，口中喃喃著練習「爸爸，爸爸」，男人將頭向後靠著，閉著眼睛，陽光從他倆後方而來，將他們一起染上溫暖的色塊。
如果，當時我們沒有分手，如今......
我在心裡悄悄低語，不願說出口而讓魔鬼偷去。
2007年9月3日 星期一
Sep the 3rd.
Today, my gf and I went shopping in a posh department store.
We bought cosmetics and bra.
This is my first time sharing exactly the same kind of product with my lover.
Yes, she is my first girl friend.
You know what I mean.
Before, I had a serious relationship with an English boy.
Others are short term ones and some one night thing.
Yeah female bodies are attractive but falling in love is another story.
She's a great person.
She loves me very much.
She's cute.
She's sweet.
She gets wet so easily.
In side her soul, there's a little boy.
It has been already quite a while since we are together.
I didn't know we have a bunch of common friends and they gossip about us.
I start to feel the pressure.
I usually try to get back my hands, fingers from her hands.
Because I don't want more gossip.
I stop her touching, too.
Because it's tickle.
I love her company.
I feel calm when she's around.
I love talking with her.
I feel myself being understood.
I love her jokes.
I feel relaxing while laughing out with her.
She pointed that light pink bra, " This one."
She said,"It looks like the H brand strawberry ice cream."
The sales should smell a thing.
Yes, that colour is cute and fits me as well.
But I picked the other one, bloody red.
I hope she's happy.
We bought cosmetics and bra.
This is my first time sharing exactly the same kind of product with my lover.
Yes, she is my first girl friend.
You know what I mean.
Before, I had a serious relationship with an English boy.
Others are short term ones and some one night thing.
Yeah female bodies are attractive but falling in love is another story.
She's a great person.
She loves me very much.
She's cute.
She's sweet.
She gets wet so easily.
In side her soul, there's a little boy.
It has been already quite a while since we are together.
I didn't know we have a bunch of common friends and they gossip about us.
I start to feel the pressure.
I usually try to get back my hands, fingers from her hands.
Because I don't want more gossip.
I stop her touching, too.
Because it's tickle.
I love her company.
I feel calm when she's around.
I love talking with her.
I feel myself being understood.
I love her jokes.
I feel relaxing while laughing out with her.
She pointed that light pink bra, " This one."
She said,"It looks like the H brand strawberry ice cream."
The sales should smell a thing.
Yes, that colour is cute and fits me as well.
But I picked the other one, bloody red.
I hope she's happy.
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